Shaybaby

I laugh. Claire reminds me.

The best way I can have been seeming to put it lately is…I went to Alaska and I thought “Why doesn’t anybody understand?” Then traveling around the lower 48 I thought “Oh… That’s why nobody understands…”

I sit alone, smoking. This is my alone time, my insanity time. Sometimes I create art, sometimes I sing, I look at pictures, listen to music, sometimes I am smiling, sometimes I cry, lately I seem to write. It helps the throat. I seep all the thoughts in my head, trying to arrange them so they make sense with words. My thoughts these days are quite chaotic, I can’t seem to escape them. I can’t even seem to catch one thought at a time. It is an even more horrid process trying to get any thoughts at all to reach my tong in a graceful way. Spring is here! Healing. It is a healing time. Summer will be so beautiful.

“We are miserable because we are too much in the self. What does it mean when I say we are too much in the self? And what exactly happens when we are too much in the self? Either you can be in existence or you can be in the self–both are not possible together. To be in the self means to be apart, to be separate. To be in the self means to become an island. To be in the self means to draw a boundary line around you. To be in the self means to make a distinction between ‘this I am’ and ‘that I am not’. The definition, the boundary, between “I” and “not I” is what the self is–the self isolates. And it makes you frozen–you are no longer flowing. If you are flowing the self cannot exist. Hence people have become almost like ice-cubes. They don’t have any warmth, they don’t have any love–love is warmth and they are afraid of love. If warmth comes to them they will start melting and the boundaries will disappear. In love the boundaries disappear; in joy also the boundaries disappear, because joy is not cold.”

sometimes I say things like a fucking idiot…

When it is quiet, when I recognize silent truth, I miss Dylan.  I notice my family at my heart, I notice Cooper at my brow, but I notice you at my crown.

When I leave all the sufferings of matter and emotion… I notice my complications are small and unnoticed by the universe, DNA doesn’t give a shit about me.

When I sit in the forest, I notice I am the forest because I am a part of the forest.

When I feel everything as nothing, and feel nothing as everything.  Loneliness doesn’t exist. Why should I ever miss anyone?

I forget. It’s funny. We all forget…

We all need to forget more, it gets tiring trying to hold on to memories and what “I” am supposed to be. Why am I here, who am I? Because of the past? I know things because this is who I am? People are just people like you, it’s not important. We need to stop holding on to what we think we know, we will learn more and learn more clearly. But it gets hard when all you can see is behind yourself and this present moment. It gets hard when your memories are precious and beautiful. It gets hard when your memories are horrid and terrifying.

Love is absurd. Having your heart broken is the best part. Turning the breakdown into a breakthrough. It feels so dirty at first, but you come out so fresh and new.

WHY!? why why why why why!!!!!!!! Why!? ! Why!? Why! Why!? WWWHHHYYYY???!!!!! Why! Why! Why! WHY!

Being human is frustrating…

Questions bring me so much suffering, it seems if you have no questions the answers should be there. I can not help but desire answers, which might be why I still desire questioning.

Music is pretty sometimes…

I sing and talk more to myself.

Please, stop telling me how I feel…

Word are the best thing we got…?

Words are dead…just try saying a word over and over, they are used over and over

So first it was like this…

Then for a long time I felt like this…

Now I feel like this…

I can’t remember if that was a setting sun or a rising sun.. I hope I was not a bird in my past life so I have a chance being a bird in my next life.

“Your young until your not

you love until you don’t

you try until you can’t

you laugh until you cry

you cry until you laugh

and everyone must breath

until their dying breath

no this is how it works…

you peer inside yourself

you take the things you like

then try and love the things you took

then you take that love you made

and stick it into some

someone else’s heart

pumping someone else’s blood

then walking arm and arm

you hope it don’t get harmed

but even if it does you’ll just do it all again”

Honey colored hair girls live in fun world now. There is still magic in those woods. I taught them how to build fairy houses. May was aghast when I didn’t know how the trash heap took away all the radishes…”Don’t you know??? She is magic!” Duh! Pretending the more practical things like food and friends. Growing up is a shame… I was told rats are good familiars. She is a pixie not a demon. People get confused with fairies because they like to hang out with the demons and the angels being caught in between. They can sway back and forth. Fairies are so small so most of the time they can only fit one emotion. Familiars some say are an evil self you created whether intentionally of unintentionally. Pixie tend to be mischievous and sneaky. Some say they are guides, protectors especially when a witch comes into her powers. They bibles says they are forbidden. Eh…who knows?

Rebirth-This card depicts the evolution of consciousness as it is described by Friedrich Nietzsche in his book, Thus Spake Zarathustra. He speaks of the three levels of Camel, Lion and Child. The camel is sleepy, dull, self-satisfied. He lives in delusion, thinking he’s a mountain peak, but really he is so concerned with others’ opinions that he hardly has any energy of his own. Emerging from the camel is the lion. When we realize we’ve been missing life, we start saying no to the demands of others. We move out of the crowd, alone and proud, roaring our truth. But this is not the end. Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being. Whatever the space you’re in right now–sleepy and depressed, or roaring and rebellious–be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is a time of growth and change.

We take off, sleeping outside again. I like falling asleep and looking up to see trees and sky. Your guitar is so refreshing brother. Memories tug on your heart, replaying for you too? I disappoint myself, I forgot my strength in Eugene and is shows when I get to Ashland. But I remember… and learn. We must find humor in our mistakes. Nobody ever even lets me be alone, I hate being delicate, and precious. Safe. Maybe I just go looking for danger. Addicted to invigoration. Good to see others, joining my own kind again in Arcata. Tall trees. It rains as it did before but the sun follows this time. It followed us everywhere. “AAARRrrrghhh…you guys are shitty people Mmaaaaa, ya hear ma dog!!!!” We paint flowers and make new songs, hoping to hop into Trey Wolf. Seduce people walking by the woods. Come play with us! Then you, you dirty fucking hippie all cute in overalls and tie die come back to where we can touch again. Desire, frustration, and relief held back tight, why? I am scared to share our terrors and so I take it delicately. But my heart told my head this time no… this time no… “You smell like Fairbanks…” “It’s surreal, kinda like passing the windmills through California…” Constantly reminding me not to be sorry, what are you sorry for? Teaching me honesty. No she is not my girlfriend, she is my lover! My soul mate! Please don’t stab anyone. Earthquakes fuck my world. Meet Fast Eddie on hippie hill, you will see um in all his bright rainbow get up. Where did Leaf go? He said he would come back…oh dear, that’s what they all say. Does the dose make you tingle, does the dose make you glow? I guess we have a shopping cart now. We have a Guitar, Mandolin, washboard, I will work on getting the tambourine! What a circus! Don’t you know? We are Trey wolfs flower painters! Come young ones, I know a place you can see the whole city! Why here, why San Francisco? Sigh…don’t you miss Fairbanks… Those first days were so blissful, then we all got sick… He doesn’t acknowledge me. Back to insanity, Santa cruise is where my heart died. Barefoot…Claire, I wish you were here, it is not the same without the four of us. We were pretty good at taking care of each other, I never realized how much I needed you to watch out for me too. Maybe you could make him happy. I shake the tambourine. Eight of us getting cabin fever in the camper. He is barley conscious anymore. This is a weird and crazy song, and have no idea whats really going on. Monterrey feels better, we hula hoop and play until he is reminded he hates everything. “You have been talking shit to that guy all night!” “What you mean the robot?!” We don’t want violence… We get to a beautiful beach and make Keith play Bridgett’s song as the sun sets. Whiskey and Wine! We finally got out of the city, it feels more like home, feels clearer. We miss Bridgett…we miss Fairbanks. Goodbye Snot…I am gonna miss you brothers. Love and Hate take off to Santa Luis. It’s frustrating when they love you and hate everything else. Morbid almost. We live our lives like a big fish story. You make me dream funny. I use up the last pieces of my heart, he tries to manifest any love at all. “Go home Shay!” We barley communicate with words especially these days, words are dead. Goodbye. I love you. My tribe has one last gathering, one more night of pure life. You are not here my love, but you prefer traveling alone, right? Last time I will hear that guitar again for a while. But then I know… I have heard these songs before. Happiness is getting rather warn out and old. So is hate. Exhausted. Nothing makes sense anymore, who knows. I used to have a lot to say… Maybe I have too much to say… I feel like I have nothing to say… You are so young they laugh… Helping me find humor in my mistakes.

What advice would I give young Ashley? She is Ashley, I am Shay. She looks up to me, expects me to know things. To them we are god, just like my future selves be my Goddesses. I would say “Ashley Shay, when you are sad be sad, when you are angry be fucking pissed! When you are happy be ecstatic! When you love, give your heart and soul. When you hurt find strength and invigoration in the pain. No matter how dark things get there is always more, we will do it all again. Life is an absurd process but we choose to indulge in it. Let it come, let it stay, let it pass. Keep calm when you disappoint yourself.”

I wish they were here to tell me…

Yea be careful, they’ll corrupt yer children and seduce yer virgins with their gypsy charm. and i hear holy water will help get rid of the patchouli smell. just remember, don’t go playing with the gypsies in the woods.. you might come back painted a more colorful person….or ya might not come back at all…..I read once you get into a fairy ring you will be tempted to dance with them forever! Maybe it’s the hula hoop.

Holy shit!  Holy shit!  HOLY SHIT!  Death!  War!  Death!  Natures pissed!  Death!  People dying.  Many for no god damned reason!  Radiation.  Be afraid of your food there might be radiation.  It’s in the water, it the Ocean…  Oh and the sun is going to throw up on us too, yay more radiation!  Is American Idol on tonight?

Death
Destruction
Rebirth

One day this will all come crashing down…

“Shay shay, the world will be much better when everyone dies because there are too many people crowding the earth, but there is infinity room in heaven!  And you know everyday somebody dies, and everyday somebody is borned, and everyday somebody gets sick, and everyday somebody climbs a tree…and the world is just perfect.  Except I only get to go to Tucson and Show Low so I feel trapped in a little box.”

War is when there are one set of fraggels on a side that hate a bunch of other fraggels on another side.  But why do we need to hate other fraggels?  Because you can’t have a war without hate!!!

Everything is exhausted…

I didn’t disappear…I thought for sure I would just float away into the air

Hey, I take consequences for my actions just like you…and I am grateful everyday, I am so privileged.

Shay smiles and hula hoops right?

I miss music

Love Hate

Hate Love

Hate consumes love, it made me feel so powerless, so helpless.  All I could do was hold him while the hatred was dumped upon me.  He cursed himself, he cursed me, he cursed God. Did he think I had a big enough heart? Remember that one time you said there are times of beauty? Maybe you were drunk. WHY ISN’T EVERYONE ANGRY!!!  Why am I filled with self pity and nothingness instead of hate now.  Frustration.  Insanity.  Twenty short years young.  What are you going to do!?  Praising to the sky with tears of joy thank you… then cursing it for the absurd process of life.  Overactive heart and under active throat.  What do I say?  Why can’t I speak for love anymore?  I think I have given up on it.  It feels like your heart is literally being ripped out of your chest, it hurts.  He told me I can’t chase happiness forever and I can be free anywhere.  I am forever free, I will never see the world the same again.  At least I am not a sheep. He told me I would see him again…Go home, get better. Two weeks Shay and we will dream next to each other again.  Get out of my third eye!  Love is supposed to win…